TO LOVE AND TO HOLD
by Kayryn
Summary: Post Unimatrix Zero II, what happened after Braga said 'cut'. J/C


TO LOVE AND TO HOLD By Kay Shadow  
  
Rated PG-13  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine, but who the hell cares! I borrowed them from Paramount and I'll return them shortly. On the other hand, why should I? It's not like they're writing any more of those plot hole filled episodes anyway.  
  
Authors note: This takes place right after UMZII.  
  
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Kathryn Janeway was sitting in her chair on the Bridge, staring ahead. After spending four days in Sickbay, Janeway had finally convinced the Doctor to let her return to light duty. She'd been on the Bridge now for three hours and still had another three to go before, she knew, Chakotay would remind her that she was still on restricted hours and that those hours were up. So far, everything was running smoothly and unlike usually, Kathryn was thankful for the lack of action.  
  
Chakotay on her other side looked glanced at her briefly, like he had done for the past three hours, making sure she was okay. He knew she had fought hard with the Doctor to be allowed back on duty and wanted to make sure she wouldn't overdo it. At the beginning of the shift Kathryn had assured him that she would be fine and he didn't need to 'hover around like a mother hen', so he tried to be as inconspicuous as possible, but still he couldn't help but checking on her every once in awhile. At least he'd stopped asking her after the fourth time when she'd glared at him.  
  
He thought about the things that had happened lately and found himself thanking whatever deity was out there for returning Kathryn and the rest back to them. He and Kathryn had faced some hard times over the last year after the Equinox affair, but had started to mend their friendship over the last months. He was still surprised when she'd held out her hand to him before going to the Borg cube. Not the action itself, Kathryn Janeway was a touchy person, but the fact that she'd done it in full sight of the whole Bridge crew. Not that Chakotay was complaining. He grinned a little and glanced at her again. What he saw made his smile disappear and he frowned.  
  
Kathryn wasn't feeling too well, her back starting to ache even worse now. It had started to ache about an hour into her shift, but she didn't think it was anything too serious. Now, though, she was seriously doubting it. She thought about going to her Ready Room but instead of standing she grimaced in pain.  
  
Chakotay leaned in closer, about to ask if everything was okay, but then thought better of it. Instead he opened his console, typed a short message and sent it. Only seconds later there was a beep from Kathryn's own console. Chakotay tried not to watch when she checked the message.  
  
"Sorry to say this but you don't look too good. Would you like to take a break in the Ready Room?  
  
C"  
  
Kathryn didn't look up at him, but typed him a reply and sent it. The pain was getting stronger and try as she might, she couldn't hold the tears back.  
  
Chakotay opened the message as soon as it arrived.  
  
"That was my intention but I can't get off this damn chair."  
  
He looked at her again, but her head was bowed down and her hair was covering her face. He leaned in closer, trying not to be too obvious about it. When she raised her head a little he almost gasped in shock. Kathryn's face was ashen and her eyes were filled with pain. He could see the lone tear that was running down her cheek, but he couldn't be sure if it was because of the pain or embarrassment.  
  
Kathryn bent her head again as Chakotay rose from his seat and reached out to her. She couldn't believe this was happening. Damnit it was so embarrassing, if only she was in her Ready Room. actually anywhere but here. Chakotay was now standing next to her and without saying a word he bent down to take a firm hold of her, one arm hand around her back and under her armpit, and the other he gave for her to grasp.  
  
Chakotay hoped that no one would make a fuss about Kathryn's obvious discomfort and even though both Tuvok and Harry had noticed that something was wrong, but it was Tuvok who spoke first.  
  
"Do you require assistance, Commander?"  
  
Chakotay looked down at Kathryn but her head was cast down and he couldn't see her face. He thought for a brief moment but then made up his mind that Kathryn would find it less embarrassing if it was only him assisting her, instead of two people. He would manage.  
  
"No, thanks though."  
  
She held on to Chakotay as he rose, but barely stifled the cry of pain that was threatening to escape her lips. She squeezed his hand with more strength and drew him closer, needing more support. By then Tom had noticed the commotion, probably thanks to Tuvok's question and rose from his post coming closer to the command couple. At Chakotay's glare though, he withdrew and seated himself back at the helm.  
  
Kathryn felt like they would never reach the steps. The pain was getting stronger by the minute and she was starting to get scared. She tried to think rationally; her legs were working, it was a good sign, right. But the pain was searing through her and blinding in its ferocity and Kathryn couldn't stop the tears from running down her cheeks. To hide her tears Kathryn buried her face into the front of his uniform.  
  
When they reached the steps Chakotay had to practically carry her but still she hadn't requested they use the transporters. And until she did, he knew not to suggest it, especially on the Bridge. As soon as they were in the turbolift he gave the order to the computer to take them on deck three, as close to the Captain's quaters as possible.  
  
"Chakotay to Sickbay."  
  
"Sickbay here, Commander. What can I do for you?"  
  
"The Captain is having trouble with her back, I'm taking her back to her quaters. I'm sure she'll be more comfortable in there than in Sickbay so I'm just letting you know what's going on. And also I was thinking if you could send a pain reliever."  
  
For a moment Chakotay thought the Doctor would refuse and insist that Kathryn be brought down to Sickbay, but to his relief, the Doctor relented, adding that if the situation got much worse, he would need to see her for an examination.  
  
By the time they reached deck three Chakotay was practically carrying her and after making sure no one was around he gently took her into his strong arms and carried her the rest of the way. Once inside her quaters he called for half-lights and went directly to her bedroom. Despite of his caution Kathryn cried out when he placed her on the bed.  
  
"I'm sorry," he apologized.  
  
"Not your fault." Kathryn kept her eyes closed, trying to battle the tears that were again threatening to escape.  
  
When Chakotay rose to pick the hypospray from the bedside table where it was already waiting thanks to the Doctor, Kathryn became distressed and tried to reach for him causing raw agony surge through her body. "Chakotay?"  
  
He turned back to her to reassure her. "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."  
  
After checking it was the right dosage he pressed it against her neck and listened to the hissing sound it made as the medication was administered. Knowing there was nothing he could do than to wait for the painkiller to take effect, he sat down on the floor next to her. Had he dared he would have moved up to the bed laid next to her and wrapped her in his arms, but at the moment that would surely cause more pain than comfort, so he did the only thing he could. He held her hand.  
  
"Kathryn, tell me is there anything I can do to help?" Chakotay hated to see her in so much pain and would've gladly done anything to ease it even a little.  
  
"I. no I don't think so. Besides, you're doing enough as it is, it's not fair to ask more," she said, her voice now less strained than before, a clear sign that the medicine was making its way through her system.  
  
"Not true. Now is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?"  
  
Kathryn considered her options for a minute, debating with herself. On one hand she would do just about anything for a soak in her bathtub, and it might even help with the pain, but then again she knew it wouldn't be easy now that her back was causing her trouble. In fact it might be downright embarrassing.  
  
While Kathryn was contemplating on whether to ask for the favor or not, Chakotay was trying to think of a way to make her more comfortable. Even with the expense of his own comfort. "How about a bath? Do you think that might help you relax?"  
  
Kathryn looked at him, slightly startled. Since when did he read her mind? Since the day you met, Kathryn, she reminded herself.  
  
"It might," she allowed.  
  
He nodded. "Alright, I'll go and draw the bath, then I'll help you to the bathroom. While I wait I can read Carey's Engineering report and get something light for us to eat."  
  
Not seeing any other way to deal with things, Kathryn nodded in response and watched as Chakotay disappeared into her bathroom.  
  
As she listened to the sounds him preparing her bath, a thought occurred to her. How was she supposed to get into the tub and out? There was no way she would manage it herself, she would need his help. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. She was about to call out to him to let him know she'd changed her mind about the bath when he came back. "Ready?"  
  
"Yeah." Somehow, she was just going to have to work it on her own.  
  
He carried her to the bathroom and after making sure she would be fine, he left her alone to undress. Kathryn looked around trying to see if there was anything she could use as a handle but to her dismay it didn't look hopeful. Slowly she managed to discard her clothes but as she was about to enter the tub she found she wasn't able to do it. Besides that, her back was getting worse again. Gritting her teeth together she cursed the Borg once again before resigning to her fate. "Chakotay?"  
  
"Yes?" His voice sounded like it was coming from the living room but she could still detect his concern.  
  
"I... umm. I can't get in the tub," she admitted and wondered what expression he wore at the precise moment.  
  
"Do you want me to come and help?"  
  
Kathryn shook her head but aloud she said, "could you?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
A little while later Kathryn was settled in the water and Chakotay turned to leave again. As she reached for the washcloth and started to wash herself Kathryn realized she could barely lift her arms high enough to accomplish much anything. Frustrated, she tossed the wet washcloth away from her and in doing so lost her precarious balance. She started to slide into the water and frantically tried to grasp for leverage but failed. Sinking below the surface she continued to struggle, even after she felt strong arms gripping her and lifting her so she could breathe.  
  
Gasping for air, Kathryn held as tightly to Chakotay as she could.  
  
"I think it's better that I not leave just yet," Chakotay suggested and Kathryn more than gladly now accepted his offer of help.  
  
With careful and deliberate moves Chakotay took the cloth and dipped it in the water before running it across her back, shoulders and neck. All the while he was washing her, Kathryn let her mind wander and relax, Chakotay's touch lulling her into near slumber. It was so easy, his touch so soothing and gentle and she felt not only taken care of but safe as well. 'If only it could be just like this always', Kathryn thought. No pressures of whether or not they were going to give into to their mutual attraction and start an intimate relationship. No guilty thoughts about denying him something she knew they both wanted but was not going to happen. Tensing slightly at that thought Kathryn wondered how different it would be for them if only he could see past the attraction and concentrate on their friendship.  
  
Kathryn had always felt that one could love someone without being in an intimate relationship. She was afraid that would she lower her guard, the friendship they now shared would turn into more, and then after having what he wanted, Chakotay would get tired of her, of them and that would destroy what they had now.  
  
They had never really talked about the possibility of 'them', but from the looks he sometimes gave her and the touches and the flirting Kathryn could tell he was more than interested. But was it only the sexual attraction or did it go to a deeper level?  
  
If only she could be sure.  
  
Yes, of course she trusted him; otherwise she wouldn't have allowed him here, like this. But to know he felt the like she did.  
  
"Try to loosen up. You're all tense," Chakotay's words brought her back to the present.  
  
Not quite able to meet his eyes Kathryn merely nodded acceptance and forced her muscles to relax.  
  
Slowly he made his way to her arms, and then legs, before reaching her chest. Once there, he stopped and held out the cloth to Kathryn.  
  
" I better let you take care of the rest or we may have a problem," he said.  
  
Blushing slightly she thanked him and watched him leave the room. After washing herself she emptied the tub and called for Chakotay again. Once he arrived she asked him to turn on the shower and help her up, so she could lean on the wall. She then washed away the soap and when done, was wrapped by him to a soft towel, one of her favorites.  
  
"How's the back?"  
  
"I think it's a bit better now. Still hurts, but I think I can walk now," Kathryn answered.  
  
Hoisting her out of the tub he gently set her on the floor. Both were accompanied only by their own thoughts as Chakotay helped her dry off and into comfortable clothes.  
  
With his arms supporting her she walked to her bed and then let him help her between the sheets. Tugging another pillow under her head he asked if there was anything more he could do.  
  
"You've already done more than I ever should have asked," she told him.  
  
"I wanted to help. Still do. If there's anything." he let his voice fade away.  
  
Hesitating Kathryn looked into his eyes, trying to read what was in them.  
  
Sensing her doubt he tried assuring her. "Look, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed about needing help. The truth is that even though I don't enjoy seeing you suffer I do enjoy helping you."  
  
Surprised at his words, Kathryn felt her mouth fell open but was unable to come up with anything intelligent to say.  
  
"Don't tell me that's a surprise, Kathryn."  
  
Looking down she shook her head. "No it's just."  
  
"What? What is it?" He sat down on the edge of the bed and took her one of her hands into his.  
  
Raising her head again, Kathryn said, "I don't want to be a burden, that's all."  
  
"Kathryn, you're not. Didn't you hear what I just said?" he asked gently. "I want to help you. Whenever or however you might need it."  
  
"Really?" Kathryn asked, still not completely convinced.  
  
"Yes," he said, almost exasperated now. Would she ever simply accept things the way they were instead of analyzing, questioning and doubting everything he said or did. Didn't she know how he felt?  
  
Maybe not. They'd never openly discussed where 'they' stood, although hints were often given, nothing had ever been actually said.  
  
Before he would lose his nerve, Chakotay raised his hand to her cheek and caressed it lightly before cupping it. "Kathryn, I don't know if this is the right time to say it, but I think I need to make something clear."  
  
He could see her walls coming up again and plunged ahead before she had the chance to stop him. "What I said is true. I never feel that you're a burden to me, never. It's because I love you, Kathryn."  
  
He waited for her reaction, but seconds turned into a minute and still she hadn't said a word. "Kathryn?"  
  
"You do?"  
  
"Yes, I do. I love you," he repeated.  
  
She reached out her hand in mirror to what he had done just a moment ago and finally looked at him again smiling. "I wasn't sure. I mean, I always knew that there was something, but I didn't dare."  
  
"I know. We've been dancing around this for years now. Seems almost like a habit now," he said.  
  
Kathryn simply nodded in response. What more was there to say?  
  
"Now tell me. Is there anything more I can do for you?"  
  
Swallowing her still lingering doubts, she nodded. "Could you stay the night? Just holding me."  
  
Smiling, but without uttering a word, Chakotay raised himself from the bed and climbed over her, careful not to hurt her in the process. After a moment of shifting and shuffling they found positions comfortable to both, he laying on his back, his arms wrapped around her, while Kathryn's head rested on his chest, snuggling close against him.  
  
Laying there beside the man she loved, Kathryn began to realize that she finally had the answers she'd been looking for. She's wondered if there was more to their relationship that met the eye and now she knew. He was interested in more than just sharing her bed. And even when sharing the bed, it could be for reasons other than sex.  
  
Just before falling asleep another stray thought crossed Kathryn's mind. There was something she's forgotten to say, she realized. Something she needed to correct immediately.  
  
"I love you, too."  
  
The end. 


End file.
